Dear reader, I reread my readings from yesterday in St. John of The Cross. And my confession is that Book one chapter one, http://www.carmelite.com/saints/john/works/dn_3.htm, outlining the faults of the beginner as to pride, describes me.
A year ago when I wanted everyone to read with me, Celebration of Discipline, and there seemed to be at first a struggle to get anyone to join me, I was secretly glad of it for then I intended to go it alone and alone reap the benefits of the spiritual disciplines, so that I would not appear to be a spiritual dunce. Gross. I am so utterly gross.
It is hideous to me how I can desire God and be so dripping in pride all at once. May God release me from myself, that I may no longer live a fraudulent life.
All the beautiful favors God has bestowed upon myself and my lovely family seem to be a huge entanglement. I am poorly prepared to be his able servant because I believe myself to be his able servant.
If the time of testing should come in my lifetime I am not sure that my faith will withstand the trials. I read a little in the biography of St. Teresa of Avila this morning and was touched by her childhood desire to be a martyr, and the pain of the realization that it was for very childish reasons. They, the reasons, were not far from me.
God, take me in your arms.
I trust that you will not leave me here
on the steps of your castle
but take me deep within.
Take me first into your beautiful wash room
wash away the pride
that insidiously replaced the first pride
that you so dearly, gently washed me of years ago.
The stench of this spiritual pride
is worse than any dung.
Ready me to be your humble
and sweet spirited servant.
This I pray today
for all my days.